Uses For Umbrellas

1. Prodding 6 year olds from a distance
2. Prodding 5 year olds from a distance
3. Synchronized, object based dance routine viewed from above/the sky.
4. Mediocre pogo sticks
5. Prodding infants from a distance
6. Door blocker(when expanded)
7A. To Fly
7B. To fall slower
8. Shield/Fencing weapon
9. Weapon of Mass Distraction
10. Keep Dry

The Best Whales

5. Beluga Whales
4. Albino Beluga Whales
3. Baby Beluga Whales
2. Pygmy Whales
1. Baby Albino Spotted Beluga Whales

Bad Places for a First Date

1. The Vatican
2. West Philadelphia
3. Fluntern Cemetery
4. Any Cemetery
5. Your Parent's Cold Cellar
6. The Town of Arkham or The Lost City of R'lyeh
7. 16°46′33″N 3°00′34″W
8. Paris (quit frankly it's overrated)
9. The River Club
10. East-Southeast Berlin

Things Wizards are Responsible For

(ie, the "it" in "wizards did it")

1. Everything

Things NOT to Dip Your Turtle In

1. Fondue
2. Alligators
3. Zebras
4. Milt Romney's chin
5. Finnegans Wake
6. Other Turtles
7. Alligators
8. Crocodiles
9. Caimans
10. Primordial Soup

10 Things This Blog is Not

1. A Zebra
2. 2 Zebras
3. "most high heaven the skysign of soft advertisement!" - James Joyce
4. Your Mother
5. 5 Zebras
6. an allegorical representation of 2 larks discussing Finnegans Wake
7. a guide to identifying trees at great distances
8. a larch
9. my morning cup of coffee
10. pretentious